From: Mike M. (m9_at_interlog.com)
Date: Fri Jan 16 2004 - 21:44:33 PST
The Top 15 George W. Bush Space Proposals
15> Send an unmanned probe to the distant Milky Way galaxy.
14> Launch satellites that can make big bunny shadows on the moon
every night.
13> Sell the sun to Halliburton so that they can corner the
solar-energy market, too.
12> Determine if the moon is made of stinky French cheese or God's
cheese, Velveeta.
11> Finally send a rescue team to retrieve that poor lost dog,
Pluto.
10> Shoot 500 poor people into space every week until decent folks
feel safe to walk at night again.
9> A mission to locate his Air National Guard unit that he
couldn't find during the Vietnam War.
8> Move the moon closer, so we can just fly there by airplane.
7> Instead of useless gray, use giant spotlights to make the
moon's color reflect the current terror alert level.
6> Find the black hole that Al Gore's career got sucked into;
seal it forever.
5> Find the Robinson family before that Dr. Smith jerk gets them
all killed.
4> The Howard Dean Space Station -- complete with Howard Dean in
permanent residence.
3> Increase funding to NAPA to help the search for intelligent
life.
2> Finally land a man on the sun -- Paul O'Neill.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 George W. Bush Space Proposal...
1> Launch a pre-emptive strike against Marvin the Martian based
on intelligence gathered by Special Agents D. Dodgers and
B. Bunny of the CIA.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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"Humor, We Have a Problem" and "Apollo 86"
The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today's list come later in this message.
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The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions
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Runners up were almost good enough to make the main list,
but got edged out by other submissions. Honorable mentions
were good enough to still deserve some recognition.
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George W. Bush Space Proposals
RUNNERS UP list -- Humor, We Have a Problem
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"Given the spotty success rate of various scientific probes sent
there, we must realize that the inspections don't work -- and thus
we must launch a preventative first strike against the Martians
*now*!"
(Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC)
"Whatever we do, make sure those NASA guys have to say 'Uranus' a
lot. [*snicker*]"
(Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT)
Bring Neil Armstrong out of retirement so he can land on Mars
again.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Consistent with domestic policy, tax heat from the outermost
planets and transfer it to the one percent of objects closest
to the sun.
(David E. Spiro, Hong Kong, China)
Drill for oil on the moon. Sure, there's probably none up there
-- but there aren't any stupid environmentalist hippies up there
either!
(Andrea Crain, Madison, WI)
Finally give in to pleas, send a probe to check for survivors on
Dennis Kucinich's home planet.
(Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA)
Give Shatner a ship and order him to bring in a batch of those hot
alien babes.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
Install a gigantic butt crack on the moon. Aim at Democrats.
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
Investigate how we can use the vacuum of space to develop more
efficient vacuum cleaner technology.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
Keep up astronaut morale by sending Elton John on each mission to
perform "Rocket Man."
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)
More monkeys in orbit... who *doesn't* love monkeys in little
space suits?
(Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN)
Rather than use public money to build a spaceship to Mars, just
declare it a U.S. state by November 2006 and tell Hillary the
Senate seat is open.
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)
Subliminate orbitalization of extra-spacialitized epogeeing.
(David E. Spiro, Hong Kong, China)
Unlimited green cheese = school lunches for all our country's less
privileged children.
(Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada)
Runner Up list name
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
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George W. Bush Space Proposals
HONORABLE MENTION list -- Apollo 86
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"We won't stop exploring the Milky Way until we discover the
secret of nougat."
(Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada)
"We're gonna bomb Mars back into the Stone Age!"
(Mark Levine, Los Angeles, CA)
"We're gonna land us a guy on one o' them planets with the dancin'
green wimmen."
(Mark Levine, Los Angeles, CA)
Conduct scientific testing to compare belly-full-of-Tang to
somersault vomiting ratio.
(Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX)
Develop a Martian Probe. About time we probed them back!
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)
Find that planet with the big talkin' apes.
(Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN)
Make our spaceships navigable by PowerBook, like in "Independence
Day."
(Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA)
Mate both Mars rovers; start a colony.
(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)
Open up the protected rings of Jupiter for oil drilling.
(Jennifer Ford, Fort Wayne, IN)
Real reason for obtaining Iraqi oil? Oil reserves needed to
create enough rubber for "Operation: Gigantic Sling Shot"
launching apparatus for moon launches.
(Joseph Prisco, Ithaca, NY)
Regime change on Venus -- the women are out!
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Shine flashlight through one ear and see if the light comes out
the other ear.
(Peg Warner, Exeter, NH)
To attract the votes of space enthusiasts, a new tax proposal will
allow massive deductions on the home improvements one makes to Mom
and Dad's basement.
(Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC)
Track down and destroy potential Earth-colliding asteroids, which
will be referred to as "weapons of destructive mass."
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Veto Rod Paige's suggestion to redecorate in moon tones.
(Peg Warner, Exeter, NH)
Honorable Mention list name
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
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